If a man is in a position where he is focused on his mother’s needs and neglects himself, it is going to show that he is out of touch with himself. However, how he lives will most likely be what is normal and thus, he probably won’t even realise that this is the case. Based on how he behaves, he will create the impression that he is his mother’s parent as opposed to her child.
His whole life will revolve around her and taking care of her needs. Two parts in addition to him feeling comfortable living in this way, his mother is also likely to be comfortable with what is going on. As a result of this, there is going to be no reason for her to encourage him to live his own life and to support him in doing so.
Instead, she can just expect him to be there for him and feel entitled to his support and attention. As with her son, then, it won’t occur to her that her son is a separate being and is not on this planet to take care of her. One purpose deep down, his mother could see him as an extension of her and believe that his sole reason for being here is to fulfil her needs.
She simply won’t be able to accept that he has his own needs and feelings and his own life to lead. Due to this, there will be no need for her to feel guilty and ashamed of her behaviour. If another man’s mother was to treat her son in this way, she could soon feel extremely bad and disgusted with herself, which would show that she doesn’t have at least one personality disorder.
In a bad way this is likely to show that his mother’s ability to experience empathy and compassion has been severely affected. If this wasn’t so, it would be a lot harder for her to behave in this way. Ultimately, she is unlikely to be a mentally balanced human being, which is why she behaves the way that she does.
It is then not that she is choosing to cause harm; it is that she is not aware of what she is doing and is mentally unwell. Taken for a ride now, as the man is neglecting himself and his mother is using him, it is going to mean that he will suffer. But, he can do his best to keep his true feelings at bay and he might not even get mad at his mother.
What can be even more confusing is that he could have a positive view of his mother and typically say nice things about her. No matter what she says or does, he could believe that she loves him. Out of touch with reality what is clear is that it won’t be possible for him to face up to the fact that his mother doesn’t love him, and, even if she does, she is unable to show it.
There is a strong chance that, due to how wounded his mother is, she is unable to truly love anyone. Most likely, her childhood was very traumatic and this is why she is totally estranged from her true self and there is an inflated false self in its place. A rough time very early on, her developmental needs are unlikely to have been met on a regular basis and this would have left her in a traumatised and undeveloped state.
She wouldn’t have been able to emotionally separate from her mother and would have stayed in a symbiotic state. His mother wouldn’t have received what she needed very early on to grow and develop and this would have meant that she wouldn’t have been able to provide him with what he needed to do the same thing. A living hell but, even though his mother would have rarely, if ever, taken care of his needs, he would have been totally helpless and dependent on her.
He would have had to create an idealised view of her as, if he had to seen her for who she was, it would have been too painful. By having this view, he would have been able to block out what she was actually like and to make this stage of his life more bearable. Seeing clearly he will now be a man, but, the defences that were put in place to make this traumatic time more bearable, will continue to define how he sees his mother.
The connection that he does have with her will be partly based on the fact that he is still in an enmeshed state and partly due to the trauma that he experienced in her company. Closed up very early on, his heart is likely to have closed and this would have stopped him from being able to feel connected to his mother, or anyone else for that matter. He would have been overwhelmed throughout this stage of his life and this would have meant that it was too painful for him to feel.
With this part of him closed, he would have formed a bond to his mother that was built on trauma, not love – it wasn’t safe for him to love. If it wasn’t for the enmeshed state that he is in or this trauma, his mother could be like a stranger to him. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.